She knew that this transition was not about becoming someone better, but about finally allowing herself to become what she’d always been.
I came across this quote on Pinterest the other day (oh my word, Pinterest has become an addiction once more) and it reminded me of why I started a blog in the first place – to get back to writing, because that’s such a huge part of who I am. And then I remembered that I hadn’t written in this blog since before I went into treatment, which was October.
This transitional period in my life, when I’m not in school anymore and not working and trying to focus on myself and my health, is really difficult. And I keep putting a lot of pressure on myself to get better. After all, I certainly don’t want to live my life in the in-between forever. But I guess I’m beginning to see that it’s not really about getting “better” than I was. It’s about returning to the person I was before all this happened, even though that person seems really far away.
I feel like I’m slowly getting in touch with that person again. She’s pretty elusive right now, hiding behind this massive bully that’s been living in my head for far too long. But I have hope that someday I’ll be able to find her and trust her and let her trust me again. For too long I’ve been forcing my old self into hiding for fear that she wouldn’t be accepted or loved. For too long I’ve been perpetuating the idea that my real self is the enemy and that only by punishing her can I make sense of my world. For too long I have been living a life guided solely by my fears and insecurities.
So I’m going to try this whole blogging thing once more, see if anything comes of it. I can’t promise that I’ll update it terribly regularly or that everything I write will be literary genius. It will only be me, living out my growing pains and trying to make sense of everything that’s happening in my life.