1. A copy-and-pasted AIM chat room from 8th grade.
Yes, this beaut exists. It is 19 pages long. Some of my favorite excerpts are:
– narbleman: i can beat you all in a hopping on one leg race
– taylor x323: eagle 7 to snake eyes. we are sending out our army of quetips. stay in touch and be safe. wear helmets and seatbelts. over.
– MonkeyPowerMan: well i think dogs can fly they do it when ure not looking
And my personal favorite:
– taylor x323: im making out with an acorn right now
Oh, Lord, take me back to middle school.
2. My Christmas list from the year 2005.
I asked for gift cards to Aeropostale and Blockbuster. Enough said.
3. The invitation to my 13th birthday party.
The obnoxious upper-and-lowercase-letters-are-the-same-size writing just reminds me of how much effort I used to put into perfecting my AIM buddy profile.
4. A picture of bread mold.
5. My fifth grade “Safety on the Internet” project.
I think the part of this project that I NEED to share with everyone is this:
OH THANK GOD. I was worried because I couldn’t afford to get my computer a flu shot this year.
6. My mom’s grocery shopping list from June 14, 2008.
To be honest, I don’t think there’s any logical reason why this document exists on my computer. The only explanation I can think of here is aliens.
7. A powerpoint about my little brother.
It was entitled,
The story ends with a paragraph that reads “ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS HERE STORY ENDED UP BEST FRIENDS AND MOM AND DAD WERE SO HAPPY THEY GREW AT LEAST SIX MORE HEADS, ALTERNATING ODD NUMBERS. SO THEY HAD GROWN SIX HEADS BUT IF YOU COUNTED THEM YOU WOULD SEE THAT THEY HAD A FIRST HEAD, A THIRD HEAD, A FIFTH HEAD, A SEVENTH HEAD, A NINTH HEAD, AN ELEVENTH HEAD, A THIRTEENTH HEAD, AND A FIFTEENTH HEAD. IT’S CONFUSING BUT WHEN YOU LIVE WITH THEM YOU GET TO UNDERSTAND.
This is why no one wanted to be my friend. I totally get it now.
8. Lots of poorly written poetry from the time I decided it was cool to be really emo.
“Down the gutter one more time
Here we go again.
I threw it all away today
Maybe for the last time…
This scares me
I bite my lip till blood comes
In sweet agony –
I don’t think I can last it this time
If life doesn’t want me
Then maybe I don’t want life”
Give me a break. Really? I lived the WASPiest middle school existence in the history of the world.
9. A 4-page list of atrocious baby names.
From Brunehilde to Fritzie, Undine to Adelbert, Gamaliel to Osbert. Your guess is as good as mine.
10. More embarrassing selfies than an Instagram account.
God help us all.