I just couldn’t help myself. This was too funny. You’re welcome, world.
HaPPY BIrTHDaY mom!
hey mom. so today you’re turning FORTY-FOUR. wow…seems like just yesterday you were in diapers. only, i didn’t know you when you were in diapers. which is a good thing because…well, i’m not going to get into that. but i didn’t know you until you were like…29, because that’s when i was born. sigh…i was born. aren’t you glad i was born? i am. think about it. if i wasn’t born, you wouldn’t be getting this card right now! isn’t that amazing? because i think it is. and it wouldn’t be cool not to get this card because this card is SO awesome you’d like…die without it. mwahhaah. so does that mean if i took this away from you, you’d die? don’t worry, i won’t try it. i wouldn’t want you to die. NO. I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU DYING RIGHT NOW. LALALALALALALA…okay. so basically IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY! think about that a second.
[long pause to let mom ponder the fact that its her birthday]
did you get any revelations about your birthday? like “OH MY GOSH! I’M SO OLD I’M GOING TO HAVE TO START PULLING THE WRINKLES OFF MY FACE WITH TWEEZERS” ! that would be gross. but anything of that sort? (OH and for the record. you’re not that old. trust me i’ve seen so many people older and grayer and wrinkleder than you.) ok. moving on to other subjects like kittens and ponies and huevos rancheros (i dunno what those are). hmm. i like birthdays because there’s cake & presents involved. what’s your favorite part about birthdays? OH OH and friends. i like parties cuz i get to have all my friends in one place. cuz i never ever get to do that except maybe at school. you and your friends should have a sleepover!! oh my gosh! that would be awesome! you could stay up late talking at watching rated R movies and eating low-fat popcorn. that’s not much different than me and my friends except we watch PG-13 movies and eat the fattiest possible popcorn cuz we’re pigs. yay pigs! oh and we eat lots of candy too. like at my birthday party we ate all that candy right after we finished breakfast. and then we all threw up. only we really didn’t throw up but we pretended to. actually we didn’t pretend to. i made that up. you can disregard that whole throwing up thing. oh golly geepers. i’m almost a page into this card. i think this might be the last line. i’m going for 2 pages here! YES i got there! hahaha. i’m such a good cardwriter. cardcardcardcardcard i’m having fun. ok next subject. your birthday. which means you get to decide what we do. but the rule never says i cant influence your decision. mom…wink wink nudge nudge…lets go see the da vinci code. only zach and dad probably don’t want to so maybe we shouldn’t. OOH if we go to nashua i want to go bathing suit shopping. sorry. i know its your day. shutting up now. what else does one say in a birthday card? i hope 44 is your lucky year. OH MY GOSH! KNOW WHAT I REALIZED? YOU WERE BORN ON MAY 29 SO 29 WAS YOUR LUCKY YEAR, AND YOU HAD ME WHEN YOU WERE 29! i must be a lucky baby. i was born in a lucky year. yaayyy! i like this. this realization was good stuff. well. i totally forgot when my birthday was for about two seconds i was like HM WHEN WAS I BORN?! and then i remembered because who could forget ME? even me. i can’t believe i forgot myself. that’s just sad. okay whatever. i’m over it. talking about your birthday is fun. it lets me ramble on and on for 1 ½ pages about absolutely nothing at all. isn’t this fun to read? zach is holding a tissue to his lip and i don’t know why. hmm this is odd. OH he told me its ice. ok that makes a lot more sense. well i am excited for your birthday. we get cake! and plus it’s a birthday so its just fun. birthdays are fun in general. especially when your very tall mother turns FORTY FOUR! aren’t you like jumping-out-of-your-boots excited? I KNOW I AM! i wonder if anything good’s on TV tonight. ok never mind TV. ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES EAT PIZZA AND MACARONI & CHEESE AND CAKE WITH LOTS OF FROSTING AND SKIP YOUR CALCIUMS CAUSE THOSE ARE NASTY TIMES 100000. and i think i want a caricature. so when we go to FL i need to get one. iffn day minoo? hahaha that’s a made up language. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! that’s all i have left to say to you, my dear mother. HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Your Dear DauGHTer,