What Hypochondria Feels Like

Ugh, my head hurts. I’ve had this headache all morning and it really sucks. Why isn’t it going away? What if I have a brain tumor or something?

Or…maybe meningitis. It’s definitely meningitis. This feels like meningitis.

Shit. I’m gonna die. I’m driving my car and I’m all by myself and I’m going to pass out. I can’t breathe. It’s really fucking hot in this car. Where’s the AC? My foot is falling asleep. Goddamn it, I’m probably having a stroke. I have meningitis and I’m having a stroke and this car next to me is going way too slow. Come on, jerk, I need to get into the right lane. Just in case I need to pull over and pass out without killing anybody else.

What time is it? I’m late. But it doesn’t even matter because I’ll probably die before I even get there.

Is that a red line on my hand? Wait, really, what is that? Is that blood poisoning? I knew I should have put a band-aid on that papercut. It probably got all infected and now there’s flesh-eating bacteria headed straight toward my heart. I wonder if the blood poisoning will reach my heart before the stroke does.

I might as well wrap my car around that road sign. I’m in for a pretty painful death anyway so I should probably just get it over with. My heartbeat feels weird, like it’s skipping beats. And my chest sort of hurts when I breathe. FUCK. I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. I should have known that once the blood poisoning and the stroke got to my heart I would end up in cardiac arrest. Hey you, asshole, now I really have to move over.

I think I left the coffeepot on. I bet the house is going to burn down. Oh well, it doesn’t matter; I’m not going to be around to deal with it.

Don’t you honk at me! I’m having a fucking heart attack! You’re going to feel SO bad about this when I end up crashing into a school bus full of children because you wouldn’t let me- MOVE OVER! Jesus Christ! I would flip you off if I could feel my fingers, but I think the blood poisoning is making them go numb. Either that or the meningitis is causing me to lose my fine motor control. Shit, I REALLY shouldn’t be driving a car right now. Dear Lord, if you have any compassion, please let me at least stay alive long enough to put it in park.

My heartbeat is seriously not normal. And I’m starting to feel sick. Oh yeah, I’m definitely going to throw up. Is vomiting a symptom of meningitis? Or heart attacks? It can’t be a good idea to throw up while you’re trying to drive a car, right? I wish I could direct my vomit out the window and onto the crazy bastard who wouldn’t let me into the right lane.

It’s my doctor’s fault. She was the one who told me I "didn’t really need the meningitis shot" since I wasn’t living with hordes of other people. Well, joke’s on you, doc. See you at my funeral. Tell everyone to wear oxygen masks ’cause my corpse might be contagious. Is meningitis even contagious? I guess it has to be, since they have a shot for it.

I really need to open the window because it’s only getting hotter in this damn car. But then I’ll probably pass out anyway from inhaling toxic gas fumes, so what’s the use? I am NOT taking the elevator today. It’ll probably break right as I’m passing out and by the time the firemen come and pry the doors open it’ll be too late. I wonder what the official cause of death will be, which of my deadly diseases will actually be the one to finish me off. I kind of hope it’s not the blood poisoning. I would hate to be known as "the girl who died from a papercut." But if it was that or not being remembered at all, I guess I’d take the blood poisoning.

At least I parked the car. But it’s no use fighting any longer; death waits for no man. Goodbye, cruel world.

I hope they have WebMD in heaven.


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