Confessions from Chaos

Hi, I’m Gwen, and I don’t have my shit together.

The past month since I’ve been back at school has been a roller coaster of extreme highs and devastating lows. There have been moments when the world seemed to open up in front of me, like anything and everything was suddenly possible. There have been moments when it was everything I could do just to pull myself out from under the blankets. In less than 30 days, I had my heart broken and my hopes defeated, but I also had meaningful conversations and laughing fits that lasted for hours.

I don’t understand how I can be so sure of things one minute and so overwhelmed the next. Nothing ever registers as just “okay”; it’s either a day where I feel motivated and incredible and confident or a day where I wish I could melt into the floor. It seems that every aspect of my world is rewinding back into the silent-film era when everything was black and white.

Being a senior in college is hard for everyone. We’re bombarded on all sides by career fairs and grad school applications and incredibly challenging courses, all the while trying to enjoy the last taste of college life before we enter the real world. It’s exhausting, and it’s scary. And I’m doing all of those things while also trying to keep a whole slew of mental illnesses in check. It’s like running a marathon and making lasagna while also juggling a bunch of really breakable plates. If I take my eyes off the plates for one second, any one of them could hit the ground and shatter.

That’s kind of why I haven’t written in a while. This is a blog which I have dedicated tirelessly to my recovery, and it’s hard for me to write things that are meaningful when my moods are so unpredictable and my behaviors so erratic. I’m being slowly eroded by the effects of the insomnia that comes with my compulsions and the lethargy that comes with my depression, and I’ve been avoiding self-reflection because it hurts too much to look inside.

I dropped a class because I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t get any of the jobs I applied for. I tried to have a fun night out with my friends and ended up in the hospital with a nearly lethal BAC. I’m not going to be able to graduate on time. I spent two entire days in bed. I grew out of my favorite pair of jeans.

There, I said it. I admit it.

I don’t have my shit together.

But I’ve fought before, and I’ll fight again.

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8 comments

  1. hi, i’m emily and none of have our shit together. that’s why we cling together and enjoy the little moments we have a flicker of having our shit together. i love you. and i’m emily and i’m here, shit not together.

  2. I’m Michelle & I’ve never really had my shit together. I spend my time working in jobs I don’t like in the pursuit to find something. .anything that has meaning, I work hard to create a single moment that makes me able to justify the fact that I really have no realistic goal or aim. I’m afraid that im gonna wake up in 20 yrs as lost as I am now, whilst quietly hoping I can find something or someone that will make me feel like I belong. Take a moment gwen, to think about the fact that it’s the journey and what you learn that is what makes heartbreak and life kicking you in the balls all worth while. You’re so strong, you can come back from anything. This I am sure of ❤

  3. Having dealt with depression myself, I know how difficult it can be to even get out of the house let know deal with college work. I also recently grew out of my favourite pair of jeans. However, it won’t be long before there is a new pair of favourite jeans or a college course that is so great you will drag yourself out of bed for it. To pull through what you’ve already been through shows how strong and courageous you are. That strength and courage is still within you and when that 7am alarm goes off, look at how far you’ve come and you’ll see how the fact that you will graduate (even if it’s not when you planned) is a blessing in itself.

    1. You’re right, of course. I have some pretty fantastic other pants in my drawer, and sunnier days ahead. Thank you for reading and for your insightful comments!

  4. Hi Gwen,
    Having our shit together is going to happen at times and then at times it will be spread out all over the floor. You have come so far and you need to be proud of all your accomplishments, even though it may not be the exact path that you had planned, it will still happen. Getting out from under the covers everyday and making it through to the next is progress and you are fighting.
    I love reading your blogs and it was funny to come across this one. It was like I was reading a story about myself even though I am not in college. Right now, my shit is all over the floor all in a disarray, but hopefully I can keep fighting and get it together. Remember there is no quick path to recovery and there are a lot of boulders and barriers you may fall on, but getting back up and keep fighting is all you can do. Your blogs are very inspiring and I know you will get there. Love you..xo
    Your October 2012 friend

    1. Thanks, Lisa. It means a lot that you’re so supportive of everything I’m doing. I miss you so much and think about you often! Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. For BOTH of us 🙂

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