An Open Letter to Netflix, or Why I Will Never Be Productive Again

My dearest Netflix,

It’s been two years since our worlds collided. Two years since I provided you with my name and email address, and you opened my eyes to everything I’d ever been missing. It was such an ordinary day. I liked you well enough, and I wanted to watch Girl, Interrupted, so I gave you a chance. And my life changed forever.

Congratulations, you are the most visited website on my computer.

Congratulations, you have killed my motivation to do literally anything else.

“One more episode before I go to bed,” I say to myself at midnight every night. “I just have to see if Zack can get Kelly Kapowski back from that sleazy waiter.” Then I wake up eight hours later, drooling on my keyboard, only to hit the space bar and watch the title sequence begin once more.

“I can totally do my homework just as well while I’m watching Firefly,” I reassure myself as I read over my problem set. It’s a good idea until I’m three episodes in and I look down at the paper in my lap and all it says is I ❤ SIMON. My math teacher probably won’t give me any partial credit for that, even with the inequality thrown in.

Oh, Netflix, you are so cruel. You know I don’t have the willpower to stand up to you. You know I’m easily seduced by your “You Might Also Like” popup notifications. You know me too well. It’s a trap I can’t escape.

Without you, there are so many things I could do. I could have a social life, you know, hang out with my friends. I could read a book. I could do laundry, or go grocery shopping, or clean my room – all of which really need to happen. You cater to my addictions, Netflix, and you’re taking away my life.

In the words of Jack Twist, I wish I knew how to quit you. You’ve done too much for me. Without you, I never would have met Buffy Summers or fallen in love with the tenth Doctor. I would still be blind to the mysteries of LOST. I wouldn’t worship the ground Joss Whedon walks on or be able to recite the entire script of Clueless word-for-word. You’ve given me entire lifetimes of adventures in only two short years.

And all it cost me was $8×24 months=$192, my social life, my sanity, and my academic performance.

Wait a minute…

Yours very fondly,

Gwen

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22 comments

  1. I think we are the same person. I have written odes to binge watching TV on my blog, and Netflix is my most used iPad app. There is nothing in the world better than sitting in front of the TV for hours saying “just one more” as Jack Bauer kills bad guys, the Dillon football team finally wins state, and President Bartlet wins a second term.

    1. I think we are the same person, too, because you just referenced Friday Night Lights and West Wing in the same sentence, which are two of my Netflix-inspired lovers. I haven’t yet seen 24. Binge-watching party sometime soon? 😛

  2. Ohh I know this story all too well. It’s the reason I did so horribly in Physics (that, and it’s also physics, which is math, which is… evil). It’s the story behind my love of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. Netflix is… evil/wonderful/all too powerful.

  3. Between Netflix and Amazon Prime… Is it bad when your kids come to you and say can we put on the Netflix. That’s the only thing we use our Xbox for. That’s really sad.

  4. STORY. OF. MY. LIFE. Seriously, I’m using my Dad’s netflix, I have HBO Go, as well as Hulu Plus AND CABLE. But Netflix, my dear dear netflix… steals time from me somehow.

  5. I am the same with my Netflix account sometimes. Although, if the US Nextflix has Saved by the Bell (I’m guessing that’s the Zack and Kelly you’re talking about I’m very, very jealous. Although, then I rally would never be off Netflix..

      1. Hehehehhe…I know it was a serious cry for help…but that was funny to read when I’m sitting in front of the laptop first thing in the morning…

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