My dearest Netflix,
It’s been two years since our worlds collided. Two years since I provided you with my name and email address, and you opened my eyes to everything I’d ever been missing. It was such an ordinary day. I liked you well enough, and I wanted to watch Girl, Interrupted, so I gave you a chance. And my life changed forever.
Congratulations, you are the most visited website on my computer.
Congratulations, you have killed my motivation to do literally anything else.
“One more episode before I go to bed,” I say to myself at midnight every night. “I just have to see if Zack can get Kelly Kapowski back from that sleazy waiter.” Then I wake up eight hours later, drooling on my keyboard, only to hit the space bar and watch the title sequence begin once more.
“I can totally do my homework just as well while I’m watching Firefly,” I reassure myself as I read over my problem set. It’s a good idea until I’m three episodes in and I look down at the paper in my lap and all it says is I ❤ SIMON. My math teacher probably won’t give me any partial credit for that, even with the inequality thrown in.
Oh, Netflix, you are so cruel. You know I don’t have the willpower to stand up to you. You know I’m easily seduced by your “You Might Also Like” popup notifications. You know me too well. It’s a trap I can’t escape.
Without you, there are so many things I could do. I could have a social life, you know, hang out with my friends. I could read a book. I could do laundry, or go grocery shopping, or clean my room – all of which really need to happen. You cater to my addictions, Netflix, and you’re taking away my life.
In the words of Jack Twist, I wish I knew how to quit you. You’ve done too much for me. Without you, I never would have met Buffy Summers or fallen in love with the tenth Doctor. I would still be blind to the mysteries of LOST. I wouldn’t worship the ground Joss Whedon walks on or be able to recite the entire script of Clueless word-for-word. You’ve given me entire lifetimes of adventures in only two short years.
And all it cost me was
$8×24 months=$192, my social life, my sanity, and my academic performance.
Wait a minute…
Yours very fondly,