1) Harry Potter and the Evil Gym Teacher
In this thrilling mystery, I was assigned to assist Harry Potter in solving a crime at the local high school, which we both attended. Shrek, who was the gym teacher, played a very convincing villain. At one point I opened my locker to find a severed human leg sliced at the knee and ankle.
2) The Revenge of the Teddy Bear
I was given a teddy bear for my birthday, but it was not as innocent as it seemed – the second I went downstairs, it transformed into a real bear and chased me out of the house and into a mattress store. Unfortunately, I had uncontrollable compulsions to lie down on every single mattress I passed, which made it easy for the bear to catch up to me and swallow me whole.
3) Whose Baby Is It, Anyway?
One warm and breezy spring morning, I woke up eight months pregnant. I was fairly terrified, for good reason, considering that even in the world of my dreams I was definitely not having any sex. But no one believed me when I said the baby wasn’t mine! (The next day I had a newfound understanding of how the Virgin Mary must have felt.)
4) The Other Neighborhood (Recurring)
This semi-weekly saga began with a casual walk around my neighborhood, but then the scenery would change dramatically and I would find myself in a slightly darker version of my natural surroundings. In this “alternate neighborhood,” my parents were serial killers and I was constantly on the run from my alternate self, a psychotic bitch who was frighteningly skilled at wielding a crossbow.
5) The Contest
Tired of being the oldest staff member on camp that had never been kissed, I decided to hold a Bachelorette-style competition to help me figure out who would deflower my lips. After several grueling rounds of awkward dates and painful eliminations, I finally had my Drew Barrymore moment on stage in front of all the kids. (There are SO many reasons why this is messed up and should never happen.)
6) My Brother, the Fairy
In this tragic tale, my younger brother was transformed from a child into a fairy. I entered his bedroom to find his Hot Wheels set abandoned and a tiny winged creature floating by his window. After saying a tearful goodbye to my only sibling, I opened the window and let him fly freely into the heavy twilight.
7) You Can’t Save Everybody
A story of true love and the inevitability of destiny, this dream had me jumping through time during a romantic relationship. Early on, I found out that my lover would die in a shootout, and I went to desperate measures to prevent this from happening. However, each time I saved him there was another casualty – sometimes I died, sometimes a whole school full of kids died, and actually one time I was pregnant and my unborn baby died. In the end, I had to learn to let him go and realize that sometimes horrible things happen for a reason. (This plotline felt oddly familiar – has someone made a movie about this before?)
8) The Number 41
I was repeatedly forced to stand on scales which all read “141.” I swear this was like a three-hour dream, and all I did was step onto various scales the entire time.
9) Camp Armageddon
It was the night we were all dreading – the night the world was going to end. I was up at Camp Calumet with my friends and my mail carrier, and we sat at the arts & crafts table making tissue paper flowers silently until the rapture took my mail carrier to heaven and left everyone else behind.
10) Memory Check
On an innocent visit to my high school’s performing arts center, the director announced that as a surprise pre-show act, the cast of the 2009 competition play, Flowers for Algernon, was going to perform. Everyone else remembered their lines (FROM FOUR F*CKING YEARS AGO, WHO EVEN DOES THAT) but I couldn’t even remember my character’s name. I was then laughed off the stage and as I ran crying into the wings, I realized I wasn’t wearing any pants.