random

Five Hundred and Twenty Five Feet

I imagine that she is someone with a story. Someone whose life has been a whirlwind of the kinds of experiences most people only dream about, who’s fallen stupidly in love and disappeared across the world and climbed to the roof of a building just because she could. I imagine that what brought her here, to the summit of this beautiful mountain, to the point where she can drift away in the autumn air, is something mysterious and special.

She leans over to the man standing quietly beside her. “It’s amazing how a mile can change your perspective.”

He hums in agreement. They linger in silence for a moment, lost for words, before they settle back into their sedan and drive away.

I imagine that her words are something more than they are. I imagine that she is more than she is. I imagine that she, and they, and the mountain, and me – I imagine that we all mean something.

I settle back into my sedan and drive away.

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Dear Taylor Swift, Here Are 22 Things That 22 Actually Feels Like

1. Not being able to pay your grocery bill because you bought that extra handle of Fireball.

2. A dizzying lack of sleep.

3. Drinking day-old coffee because you’re too lazy to make a fresh pot.

4. Digging in all your coat pockets for enough quarters to do a load of laundry.

5. Rapidly approaching unemployment.

6. Choosing Netflix over a frat party and feeling really good about your decision.

7. Realizing that you have no more birthdays to look forward to.

8. Having more respect for your crockpot than your roommates.

9. Panicking about how soon you have to pay for your own health insurance.

10. Wondering whether it’s acceptable to get your news from both Buzzfeed and the New York Times.

11. Calling your mom to ask how to use the toaster oven as an oven.

12. Screwing up your taxes.

13. Forgetting what it means to have to wear something other than men’s boxer shorts.

14. Trying to figure out at what point it is no longer okay for your mom to be your emergency contact.

15. Losing all respect for pretty much anyone under the age of 21.

16. One giant, horrible, disorienting hangover.

17. Actually waking up when your alarm goes off.

18. A slightly terrifying readiness to become a contributing member of society.

19. Finally starting to become friends with the siblings you once wanted to strangle.

20. Learning how much shit you thought was free you actually have to pay for.

21. Complaining about back and neck pain.

22. Okay, maybe I do feel happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. Damn it Taylor Swift. Looks like you got something right.

I’d Like To Thank The Academy

In the past two days, I’ve been blessed enough to be nominated for not ONE, but TWO blogging awards.

First, E. from A Sign of Life graciously recognized me for the Sunshine Award, calling my blog “delightfully real.” To that, dear E., I say that you, too, have an incredibly down-to-earth way with words and I enjoy every story of yours I get to read.

Then, Michelle from Scattered Wrecks nominated me for the Liebster Award, stating that I was “womanly wise beyond [my] young years and going to do amazing things one day.” Well, Michelle, you are already doing amazing things with your writing and your beautiful family, and it is a pleasure to be on the journey with you.

Now, bear with me as I answer these lovely ladies’ sets of questions.

E.’s Questions:

  1. Are you the best chef ever, or do your dinners come in a box? I am the best chef ever. Not really. These are two extremes, and neither is really true for me. But I do love putting strange ingredients together to see if I can make something delicious with it – I despise recipes; they hinder my creative process. 🙂
  2. What is something you always wanted to do? Why haven’t you done it? I’ve always wanted to write a book, I just haven’t had the time to prioritize that yet. Right now, I’m kind of concentrating on getting through college without losing my mind.
  3. If you could learn any instrument in the world, what would it be and why? Laugh at me all you want, but I think it would be SO COOL to play the tuba. I’d be that badass little girl with the giant brass instrument. Everyone would want to be my friend.
  4. Do you have any siblings? If so, how many? Do you get along with them? I have a younger brother who just turned 19. He is my best friend in the entire world, and I love him to pieces. We don’t always get along, though. As siblings are wont to do, we tend to drive each other bananas.
  5. Tell me about your pets. (If you don’t have any, tell me about a pet you always wanted.) One time, I had a betta fish named Lucy. I tried to take her to summer camp with me and the rough mountain climate killed her. I’ve never been the same.
  6. Do you prefer warm climates, or does the bite of winter appeal to you? I don’t really know. I like seasons – I never want to live somewhere that doesn’t have four distinct seasons. But spending my collegiate years in Chicago has made me hate the winter windchill. I think I prefer slightly milder winters.
  7. What is your favorite number? Does it have a story behind it? It’s a tie between 3 and 7. There’s no story or reason, I’ve just always been drawn to those numbers.
  8. Name a character (from a movie, tv show, book, comic book, etc) that you love to hate. It’s a tie between Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones (books or TV show) and River Tam in Firefly. People get mad at me for hating River, but she’s such an obnoxious character and she has this nasty habit of ruining everybody’s plans.
  9. There’s a masked vigilante in town! Does he need to be brought before the law, or should he be allowed to continue cleaning up the streets? I say let him do his thing. Especially if he’s as attractive as Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent.
  10. If you write fiction or poetry, is there a frequently recurring theme in your works (e.g. the ocean, romance, justice, etc)? If you don’t, is there a theme that seems to follow you through life? I don’t often write fiction or poetry these days, but I think if I did, there’d be a lot of coming-of-age symbolism. That’s just where I am in my life right now.
  11. Do you like scary stories? I like to be able to sleep at night, thank you very much. So no.

Michelle’s Movie Free-Association:

  1. Drama: Titanic
  2. Comedy: Wedding Crashers
  3. Romantic Comedy: The Proposal
  4. Romantic Drama: Cruel Intentions [oh God I’m sounding like a preteen right now]
  5. Epic: Harry Potter. All of them.
  6. Animated: Up
  7. Biopic: Finding Neverland
  8. Historical: Lincoln
  9. Sci-Fi: Serenity
  10. Foreign: Amelie
  11. Mystery: Memento [does that count?]

Now, here are 11 facts about me, in case you haven’t learned enough already.

  1. I can solve a Rubik’s cube in less than a minute.
  2. The only food I buy organic is apples, and I have no real explanation as to why that is.
  3. I have seven piercings and two tattoos and I do not regret a single one of them.
  4. My parents are both 6’2″ and my younger brother is 6’7″. I, however, am only 5’9″, and none of them will ever let me forget it.
  5. Someday, the Doctor will choose an American companion, and it will be me. Sorry, fellow Whovians.
  6. I am deathly afraid of deep water.
  7. However, I am also a certified lifeguard and swim instructor.
  8. I have really, really, really terrible eyesight. My prescription is -6.00 in both eyes, which basically means that without my glasses the world is just a blurry colorful blob.
  9. I don’t understand the point of iPads. If anyone has one and would like to share with me why it’s useful, I’m all ears.
  10. I eat avocados like it’s my job. Seriously. I eat at least half of an avocado every day.
  11. I get horrible anxiety when I have to talk on the phone. I would rather face a panel of judges than have to call one person.

And now, without further ado, my nominees! There are supposed to be eleven in each category, but I’ve never been one to play by the rules.

Sunshine:

  1. Megan at The War in My Brain, who shares poignant, real, and funny moments in her struggle with OCD.
  2. Mackenzie at girl dans la cité, whose blog is funny, smart, and also delicious.
  3. Aussa at Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy. Every time I stop by her blog I end up laughing so hard I pee my pants. Thanks, Aussa.
  4. Beth at Writer B is Me – hilarious, kind, supportive, insightful, funny…need I go on? Beth is kind of the best.
  5. Susannah Ailene Martin, young writer extraordinaire.
  6. Natalie at The Cat Lady Sings, whose writing sometimes makes me cry because it’s so beautiful.
  7. Jake at Jake vs. The City, who writes funny and relatable posts about a life I wish I had.
  8. Andrew at A Blumes With a View, another one with a comedic gift.
  9. CB at Combat Babe, who is wonderfully real and uncensored.

Liebster:

  1. Aiming for Simplicity
  2. Shree at The Heartsongs Blog
  3. Tripping Through My Twenty-Somethings
  4. C.C. at Conscious Cacophony
  5. Tess at Get A Real Life
  6. florcafe
  7. Madeleine at Matilda, All Grown Up
  8. Anne at BOOKS BAKING AND BLOGGING
  9. Michelle at aghostdancer

Participation in this is totally, 100% optional. If you don’t want to play, don’t. I will still love all of you and read your blogs religiously. But if you do, the rules are: include the award photo in your post, answer the eleven questions I ask you, share eleven other facts about yourself, nominate eleven bloggers for the award, and give them eleven questions to answer. Rinse and repeat.

Your questions:

  1. If you could insert yourself (as yourself) into any literary world of your choosing, what would it be?
  2. Coffee or tea?
  3. What is the WORST piece of advice you’ve ever been given?
  4. Crumple or fold?
  5. If we were to go on a date (hypothetically), where would you take me and why?
  6. If you could go back in time ten years and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?
  7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
  8. What kind of toothpaste do you use?
  9. Above all else, what are you afraid of?
  10. So far, what has been your favorite age to be and why?
  11. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

Thanks for sticking with me, y’all! Congratulations and love to all my talented nominees.

Fear, I Vanquish Thee

If I could vanquish one emotion from my life, I would immediately choose fear. It’s good, I guess, to be afraid of things that can hurt you, and without nerves things wouldn’t be as exciting. But fear is crippling; it causes blinding insecurities. It hinders your potential and ties you down.

I’m afraid of a lot of things. And I’m afraid there are things I’ll never be able to do because I’m afraid of so much. Right now it just seems easier to sit in my comfort zone, sheltered from the unknown. But who’s to say someday I won’t look back on these years with regret?

I fear fear itself, and its overwhelming power over me. There’s only one thing that keeps me going: the promise I made to myself, the promise that one day, I will teach myself to be fearless.

The 10 Weirdest Dreams I’ve Ever Had

1) Harry Potter and the Evil Gym Teacher

In this thrilling mystery, I was assigned to assist Harry Potter in solving a crime at the local high school, which we both attended. Shrek, who was the gym teacher, played a very convincing villain. At one point I opened my locker to find a severed human leg sliced at the knee and ankle.

2) The Revenge of the Teddy Bear

I was given a teddy bear for my birthday, but it was not as innocent as it seemed – the second I went downstairs, it transformed into a real bear and chased me out of the house and into a mattress store. Unfortunately, I had uncontrollable compulsions to lie down on every single mattress I passed, which made it easy for the bear to catch up to me and swallow me whole.

3) Whose Baby Is It, Anyway?

One warm and breezy spring morning, I woke up eight months pregnant. I was fairly terrified, for good reason, considering that even in the world of my dreams I was definitely not having any sex. But no one believed me when I said the baby wasn’t mine! (The next day I had a newfound understanding of how the Virgin Mary must have felt.)

4) The Other Neighborhood (Recurring)

This semi-weekly saga began with a casual walk around my neighborhood, but then the scenery would change dramatically and I would find myself in a slightly darker version of my natural surroundings. In this “alternate neighborhood,” my parents were serial killers and I was constantly on the run from my alternate self, a psychotic bitch who was frighteningly skilled at wielding a crossbow.

5) The Contest

Tired of being the oldest staff member on camp that had never been kissed, I decided to hold a Bachelorette-style competition to help me figure out who would deflower my lips. After several grueling rounds of awkward dates and painful eliminations, I finally had my Drew Barrymore moment on stage in front of all the kids. (There are SO many reasons why this is messed up and should never happen.)

6) My Brother, the Fairy

In this tragic tale, my younger brother was transformed from a child into a fairy. I entered his bedroom to find his Hot Wheels set abandoned and a tiny winged creature floating by his window. After saying a tearful goodbye to my only sibling, I opened the window and let him fly freely into the heavy twilight.

7) You Can’t Save Everybody

A story of true love and the inevitability of destiny, this dream had me jumping through time during a romantic relationship. Early on, I found out that my lover would die in a shootout, and I went to desperate measures to prevent this from happening. However, each time I saved him there was another casualty – sometimes I died, sometimes a whole school full of kids died, and actually one time I was pregnant and my unborn baby died. In the end, I had to learn to let him go and realize that sometimes horrible things happen for a reason. (This plotline felt oddly familiar – has someone made a movie about this before?)

8) The Number 41

I was repeatedly forced to stand on scales which all read “141.” I swear this was like a three-hour dream, and all I did was step onto various scales the entire time.

9) Camp Armageddon

It was the night we were all dreading – the night the world was going to end. I was up at Camp Calumet with my friends and my mail carrier, and we sat at the arts & crafts table making tissue paper flowers silently until the rapture took my mail carrier to heaven and left everyone else behind.

10) Memory Check

On an innocent visit to my high school’s performing arts center, the director announced that as a surprise pre-show act, the cast of the 2009 competition play, Flowers for Algernon, was going to perform. Everyone else remembered their lines (FROM FOUR F*CKING YEARS AGO, WHO EVEN DOES THAT) but I couldn’t even remember my character’s name. I was then laughed off the stage and as I ran crying into the wings, I realized I wasn’t wearing any pants.

12 Things the World Needs to Get Over

1) Girls poop.

While this originally only bothered the feminist side of me, lately I’ve realized that what I thought was a predominantly male misogynistic idea has extended into female-female interactions as well. Like, why do I feel embarrassed when I poop in a public toilet, surrounded by only other females? Because even girls have grown to believe that it’s unladylike to defecate! Ladies and gentlemen, this is ridiculous. Do we need to provide every US citizen with a copy of “Everybody Poops”?

2) Politicians suck.

Stop pretending like you’re personally offended by the amorality of politics. That’s why it’s politics. The people you actually trust would make terrible politicians, because politicians are liars pretty much by definition. They want your vote, not your friendship, so stop expecting them to actually care about what you say. Unless you have money and influence, in which case they’re bound to listen.

3) Everybody can’t win.

Someone once affectionately referred to my generation as the “cupcake generation.” Everybody gets a cupcake. And that’s kind of true (even though I can’t eat cupcakes because they’re full of gluten). When I played Under-12 soccer, every person got a trophy at the end of the season, even though the team was terrible and I was terrible and nobody was really even remotely good at soccer. In fact, I ended up with a shelf covered in trophies that I freely admit I didn’t earn. There is no such thing as “A for effort.” Sometimes you actually suck at things, and you crash and burn and fail miserably, and nobody’s going to give you a trophy for trying. Life is full of competitions where there is a clearly defined winner, and everybody else loses. It happens. I mean, I’m a firm believer that everybody can win at something, but nobody can win at everything. Besides, getting accolades you don’t deserve just makes the real accolades less meaningful.

4) Kids are going to do whatever the hell they want.

I’m lookin’ at you, US government. Replacing the Pop-Tarts in high school vending machines with tiny packages of peanuts and banning coffee during school hours isn’t going to change the world, it’s just going to piss a lot of people off. Anyone who’s seriously addicted to caffeine is going to find a way to consume it, and large groups of obnoxious male athletes are going to end up at McDonalds every single day. This is just a specific example of a general need people have to exercise control over everyone around them. Educating kids about proper nutrition and safe sex is a way better idea than shoving kale chips and abstinence down their throats, because really, they’re going to do whatever they feel like doing, and they should probably at least be smart about it.

5) Adults are too.

Everybody drives at least 5 miles per hour over the speed limit. Unless you’re that asshole who remains at a solid 20 no matter what road he’s on. Rules are meant to be broken, right?

6) Watermelon-flavored things taste better than watermelon.

Yeah, I know real watermelon is healthier than fake watermelon. But that’s because real watermelon is pretty much just slightly flavored water with seeds in it. It’s disappointing, like drinking really diluted orange juice. Fake watermelon, on the other hand, is just the right combination of sweet and sour. Sour Patch Watermelon, watermelon jolly ranchers, watermelon jellybeans…washed down, of course, with a nice tall glass of water so you still feel refreshed. Now THAT’S a summertime treat.

7) There are things that don’t need to be proven.

Call it whatever you like – the Powers that Be, the hand of God, the way it is – but some things just are, without any satisfying explanation. Science and math are wonderful, beautiful things, and I am a huge advocate of using them to solve real-world problems. But it’s okay for science to leave some things unexplained. I mean, people have tried for years to prove or disprove the existence of God using complex mathematical equations, to no avail. And people who have real faith wouldn’t care even if there WAS a solution. The most meaningful things in life are those which cannot even be expressed in words, much less in theorems. Sometimes we just have to let those be. We can’t solve everything.

8) Grammar is a dying art.

You can fight like hell to make sure every one of your Facebook friends uses “your” and “you’re” properly, but the fact of the matter is that the next generation sees both of those words as “ur.” There’s nothing you can do about that. They will go through their lives probably never hearing the terms “gerund” or “dependent clause,” because Microsoft Word will essentially write their papers for them. It’s horribly depressing, I know, but we have to let it go.

9) The Kardashians.

I feel like this is pretty self-explanatory. Getting invested in Kim’s butt implants and failed marriages is probably doing nothing for you but lowering your IQ by a couple of points every day.

10) People make mistakes.

For some reason, we have a tendency to believe that there are some people in this world who are absolutely, 100% perfect. Sometimes it’s a celebrity, sometimes a mentor, sometimes a friend, but when we idolize people, we forget that they’re human too, and everyone ends up under a lot of unnecessary pressure. And then we run into problems like thirteen-year-old girls crying hysterically because Justin Bieber smoked weed. Well guess what, little girl, your parents probably did too, and they turned out okay.

11) Mental illness is everywhere.

We can ignore it all we want, but we can’t change the facts. According to a 2008 study conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health, about 5% of the US population had been diagnosed with a serious mental illness (defined as “a mental, behavioral, or emotional disorder diagnosable currently or within the past year which results in serious functional impairment and substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities.”) And that doesn’t even take into consideration all the people suffering in silence. We seriously need to rethink the way we, as a culture, address the topic of mental health.

12) Shit happens.

Sometimes life deals you a crap hand and then kicks you while you’re down. It happens to literally everybody. You can’t escape the shit. But that doesn’t mean you should whine about it, either. Every experience teaches you something, even if it’s as simple as “I don’t ever want that to happen again.” You learn, you adapt, you change, you grow, and you almost always emerge from situations with a stronger sense of who you are. We could all benefit from realizing that even when things are going rather poorly, we are lucky to be given the chance to live through them.

10 Reasons My Brother is the Greatest Person on the Planet

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In case any of you readers are unaware, I have a little brother. Well, he’s not quite so little anymore. In fact, he’s a 6’7″, 18-year-old high school senior, so calling him “little” is probably the inaccuracy of the century. But taking that and the title of this post with a grain of salt, here are ten reasons why it is my completely objective, totally unbiased opinion that he should rule the world.

10.He doesn’t get stressed out. About anything. He might have this insanely important test the next morning, and he’ll just be like, “well, I studied enough and I’m tired, so let me just play video games for a while and then go to bed.” AND THEN HE’LL GET 100% ON THE TEST. In a similar situation, I would probably (and actually, I have done this) stay up until the wee hours of the morning rereading my notes a thousand times and making hundreds of flashcards and then be too stressed to actually fall asleep and sometimes end up making myself sick. And even if I got 100% on the test, I would be in terrible physical and mental shape. My brother? Nope, it’s just a day in the life for him. I mean, he definitely works hard to be the great person he is, he just doesn’t tear himself to shreds while doing it. I respect that.

9. He’s going to college for lighting design because, well, that’s what he loves, and it’s what he’s good at, so he’s going for it. I think it’s really awesome that he knows what he wants and he’s willing to work for it. Most 18-year-old boys have no idea what they want to do with their life when they go to college and they come out with nothing but debt and beer bellies. Okay, maybe that’s a gross generalization, but the point is that my brother is way ahead of the curve here, and it’s going to bring him huge success.

8. Speaking of lighting design, did I mention he is almost completely self-taught? Typical, right, leave a kid alone with a giant confusing lighting board and he’ll come away so good that he gets into every collegiate program he applies to. One of the program directors who interviewed him said his was the best portfolio he saw all year, and I bet all the other kids had teachers. I guess nobody needs to mentor a prodigy.

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7. He has never punched anyone in the face. If EVERY SINGLE PERSON I ever met said the SAME THING to me (“Wow, man, you’re really tall!”) I would be handing out some serious shiners. And he gets even more bonus points for always remaining polite when answering the question, “Do you play basketball?”
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6. More specifically, he has never punched ME in the face. If I were him, I would hate me. I mean, I’m REALLY annoying. I think we were born in the wrong order (isn’t the younger sibling supposed to be the annoying one?), although maybe it’s a maturity thing since I’m pretty sure I never mentally developed past the age of 13. Anyway, I appreciate that I have never been the victim of physical violence at his hands because he could probably break me in half.
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5. He introduced me to Snapchat.
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4. He’s remarkably unselfish for a teenager. I say “for a teenager” because all teenagers have some degree of obnoxious self-interest, and he’s no exception. But in general, he’s not materialistic and he cares about other people. Sure, sometimes it seems like he’s obsessed with his Xbox and his phone, but if you really think about it, the Xbox is his friend group’s communication hub and the phone is his lifeline to his girlfriend, so it’s really the people that he’s attached to, not the technology. Alright, maybe that’s a little bit of a stretch. But he really does value the humans he lets into his life. I promise.
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3. He is LOADED. I mean, SERIOUSLY loaded. I know that’s not exactly a personality trait, but I think it’s very impressive that he understands the value of saving money, especially at the age of 18. When I was 18, most of the guys I knew spent all their money on weed. I feel as though he will be very good at budgeting as an adult. Which is good because when I’m broke and starving and homeless, he might be able to spare a couple of dollars for me.
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2. He doesn’t half-ass anything. Whether it’s beating a video game, designing lights for a show, or having a girlfriend, he always gives 110% of himself to whatever he’s doing. His goals and responsibilities and promises really mean something to him, and he doesn’t mess around. That’s seriously one of the best qualities a person can have.
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1. He is my best friend. I know I can always count on him when I’m in a tough spot, and he’s one of the few people in the world that I can always be completely honest with. He has no choice but to pretend to love me for who I am, but he does it so gracefully I almost believe him. 🙂 Not everybody gets so lucky when the cards deal them a brother, and I will be forever grateful that I got such a good one.
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10 Reasons Pinterest is Ruining My Life

10. No matter how closely I follow the recipes, my food will NEVER EVER look that pretty. I regret to inform you that I have made both of the following dishes, and the photos set me up for major disappointment.

via Skinnytaste

via SavoringtheThyme.com

9. “OMG SUPER EASY DIY” is such a lie. Maybe it would be easy for Martha Stewart, but the rest of us are boarding the bus to struggle city.

8. I am constantly convinced that I need to do things like make a cheese grater into an earring holder and buy an ungodly number of mason jars and wash my hair with mayonnaise. The actual value of these activities is immeasurably small.

7. Real talk: there should be no place where a twenty-year-old single female is encouraged to plan her wedding.

via OneWed.com

 

via jettingtothewedding.com

Pinterest is going to create a lot of bridezillas. I will be one of them.

6. I spend hours looking at tattoos. Tattoos are expensive. I want them all. This is a situation with which I am not pleased.

5. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT I CAN GET SIX PACK ABS IN HALF AN HOUR. YOU ARE A DIRTY LIAR.

(I also take a lot of issues with the many “thinspiration” boards on Pinterest. However, I will get into that another time as to keep the mood of this post light and humorous.)

4. This is what I want my college apartment to look like. That’s not too unrealistic, is it?

via imgfave.com

via houzz.com

 

via unfoldedblog.com

3. I often find myself dreaming that I live in a world where things like mustard yellow pants or five-inch color block heels or floral bandeaus would be of some practical use to me.

And also where I could pull them off.

Sadly, that world exists only in the confines of my own mind, and on Pinterest.

2. Single me feels even more depressed while lusting after shirtless celebrities.

via celebritydogwatcher.com

 

via weheartit.com

 

via theberry.com

1. This.

via kiitsunee.tumblr.com

A level of cuteness the world just isn’t ready for.

Well done, Pinterest. You win this round.

10 of the Weirdest Things I Found While Organizing My Computer

1. A copy-and-pasted AIM chat room from 8th grade.

Yes, this beaut exists. It is 19 pages long. Some of my favorite excerpts are:

– narbleman: i can beat you all in a hopping on one leg race
– taylor  x323: eagle 7 to snake eyes. we are sending out our army of quetips. stay in touch and be safe. wear helmets and seatbelts. over.
– MonkeyPowerMan: well i think dogs can fly they do it when ure not looking

And my personal favorite:

– taylor  x323: im making out with an acorn right now

Oh, Lord, take me back to middle school.

2. My Christmas list from the year 2005.

I asked for gift cards to Aeropostale and Blockbuster. Enough said.

3. The invitation to my 13th birthday party.

13th bday

The obnoxious upper-and-lowercase-letters-are-the-same-size writing just reminds me of how much effort I used to put into perfecting my AIM buddy profile.

4. A picture of bread mold.

Bread Mold

5. My fifth grade “Safety on the Internet” project.

I think the part of this project that I NEED to share with everyone is this:

virus

OH THANK GOD. I was worried because I couldn’t afford to get my computer a flu shot this year.

6. My mom’s grocery shopping list from June 14, 2008.

To be honest, I don’t think there’s any logical reason why this document exists on my computer. The only explanation I can think of here is aliens.

7. A powerpoint about my little brother.

It was entitled,

why zach

The story ends with a paragraph that reads “ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS HERE STORY ENDED UP BEST FRIENDS AND MOM AND DAD WERE SO HAPPY THEY GREW AT LEAST SIX MORE HEADS, ALTERNATING ODD NUMBERS.  SO THEY HAD GROWN SIX HEADS BUT IF YOU COUNTED THEM YOU WOULD SEE THAT THEY HAD A FIRST HEAD,  A THIRD HEAD, A FIFTH HEAD, A SEVENTH HEAD, A NINTH HEAD, AN ELEVENTH HEAD, A THIRTEENTH HEAD, AND A FIFTEENTH HEAD.  IT’S CONFUSING BUT WHEN YOU LIVE WITH THEM YOU GET TO UNDERSTAND.

This is why no one wanted to be my friend. I totally get it now.

8. Lots of poorly written poetry from the time I decided it was cool to be really emo.

“Down the gutter one more time
Here we go again.
I threw it all away today
Maybe for the last time…
This scares me
I bite my lip till blood comes
In sweet agony –
I don’t think I can last it this time
If life doesn’t want me
Then maybe I don’t want life”

Give me a break. Really? I lived the WASPiest middle school existence in the history of the world.

9. A 4-page list of atrocious baby names.

From Brunehilde to Fritzie, Undine to Adelbert, Gamaliel to Osbert. Your guess is as good as mine.

10. More embarrassing selfies than an Instagram account.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA embarrass3 OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA embarrass5

God help us all.